February 18, 2009
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Ennui
My life has become an unbearable monotony. There is nothing exciting to report, and that is perhaps why I haven’t posted anything of real significance in weeks. While there are occasional moments of enjoyment in my job, such as witnessing children marvel at the world around them or my being showered with affection on a daily basis, I feel bored with what I do. In the rigidness that is the système français, it’s death by worksheet for both me and the kids. Despite effort on my part, creativity is hindered thanks to a rigorous curriculum which must be followed to a tee.
And, while perfectly nice, I feel as though I have very little in common with my French coworkers. With the exception of maybe two people, the women with whom I work are all over the age of 45 and have kids who are not much younger than I am. Because of that, I automatically get left out of many conversations, and even when the discussion is not about one’s children, they probably assume that I lack the life experience to fully participate. Moreover, some of them treat me more as a daughter than a coworker. While at first I maybe appreciated it and thought it was sweet, now it drives me insane. I am a big girl and can do just fine on my own, thank you very much.
So, when Dave told me that he had a new 20-something American coworker, I jumped for joy at the possibility of making a new female friend. We have now hung out with her and her husband several times, and there is just no connection whatsoever. The husband is quite nice, laidback and interesting, but she comes across as highly arrogant every time we get together. I used to pride myself on the fact that I thought I could get on well with basically anyone, but that’s not so true anymore. Maybe I’ve changed as I’ve grown older… or maybe I’m simply finished with ego stroking. In any case, I feel lonelier when we’re all hanging out than if I were sitting here all by myself in front of this computer screen.
What’s my point? Never in my life have I felt so completely bored and lonely. Connecting with others is what makes me truly happy, and sadly, I only get a recharge of that sensation once every several months, when I go back home to the States. I wonder how many other people feel as awfully pathetic as I do…
Comments (4)
ma pauvre tiffany! ça doit être difficile pour toi, et je suis vraiment désolée de t’ennuyer avec mes pbs.
j’espère que tu vas te faire de nouvelles amies américaines. Quand à ta famille et tes amies restées aux usa, je comprend qu’elles doivent beaucoup te manquer.
Mais au moins, vois le bon côté des choses : tu as un emploi et en cette période de crise, c’est très bien. et tu as dave aussi
Moi j’ai des amies à l’iufm, et toi, même si on ne communique que par mails pour le moment. Mais je ne suis même pas sûre d’avoir un emploi au bout de mes études.
Mais c’est vrai que tout serait mieux si on avait tout.
bisous lady, tiens bon!!^^
You know, I go through that quite often as well. I just feel the need to break the monotony and go do something crazy and meet new people and have fabulous conversations!
I’m sorry…I often felt lonely in England (no cat, no boy) and busy and bored at the same time. I’m sorry about the 20 something. It must be quite an accomplishment to be someone you can’t get on with!
Hoping things pick up for you.
@babyamelie -
@Dezinerdreams -
@Ailanna -
Thanks for your comments and your understanding. I’m on vacation now, so hopefully I’ll get my head back in order.