November 16, 2008
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Hopes and dreams
Yesterday I confirmed a Facebook friend request from a long-lost high school buddy. This evening, after thoroughly investigating my profile, he sent me a message with "Hopes and Dreams" as the subject. Here are the first few lines:
I am so jealous of you. The last time I talked to you, it was at UK and you were talking about moving to France after graduation. I can't believe you did it! Chasing your dreams, living your life with no regrets! That is so awesome and I am so happy for you.
Though it was definitely nice to hear from Tommy again, his words really stirred up some deep emotions. Yes, as early as sixteen I had talked about wanting to move to France. And I did. Twice. It was a dream and I feel fortunate for having realized it. But... is that the only dream I had/have to chase? Am I truly living a life with no regrets?
So many people back across the pond seem to believe that my life in Europe is some sort of fairytale. The truth, however, is that it is not. In fact, I would sometimes call it quite the opposite.
I wonder... does Tommy know what it's like to be separated from your family for eight + months at a time? Does he know what it's like to have to miss every Thanksgiving, every birthday, graduation and death? Does he realize how disconnected this makes me feel from the people I love, and how difficult it is for me to try to feel close to someone or to show someone how much I care without being able to see their face or touch their skin? Does he know that I spend the majority of my free time sitting right here in front of this computer screen because it's my best attempt at feeling connected and happy? Does he know that when my little sister called to tell me that she was engaged that I cried after I hung up the phone? Not because I'm not thrilled to death for her, but for selfish reasons that make me incredibly unhappy. I want to be at home... to help her plan the wedding, to celebrate with her, and to be there when my nieces and nephews are born, because I have a gut feeling that that is going to happen soon. I've already missed out on watching Michelle's baby grow up, will miss Carrie's as well, but really can't bare the thought of not knowing my own family.
Does Tommy know that sometimes I just want to speak fucking English to someone else who can understand my jokes and sense of humor? Does he know that I oftentimes come home from work with an intense headache because I feel so misunderstood? Whether it's French or Dutch, it's simply not English, and I cannot truly be me. My friends and family back home are the only ones who know and appreciate the real me.
Does Tommy know that I feel like I have no one to talk to (face to face) besides Dave, and, well, you can't discuss everything with your significant other. That's where the good friends are supposed to come in. Does Tommy know that, despite my not meaning to, I release weeks of bottled emotion twice a month when I Skype with my mom? As much as I would love to have a happy and normal conversation with her, I always end up crying. Why? Because I feel so comfortable talking to her and know that she will listen to and understand my unhappiness... and somehow make me feel temporarily better about everything.
But everything is not better, and, really, I'm not sure when it ever will be.
I wonder, Tommy, do you realize how jealous I am of you?
Comments (6)
You captured perfectly the challenge of being an expat. Yes, there's the "glamour" of living in another country, but the folks back home don't realize that it comes at a tremendous cost on many levels.
Still, I wouldn't trade this experience for being a typical American who has never traveled abroad, much less lived there. And even though there are many drawbacks, it is great that you've followed a dream. Those who have followed their dreams are much more likely to dream even bigger in the future, knowing that they can achieve anything.
Big hugs across the internet to you Tiff. You are among the coolest people I have met online and I treasure your acquaintance. I'm sure things will work out for you. Be brave and stick with it. We should be Facebook Friends, I would invite you if I were more Facebook savy.
I understand exactly what you are talking about. I live away from my family as well, but honestly I like it even though there are moments of nostalgia which keeps hitting you hard.
Tiffany, I could have written this blog. Perhaps I will someday. I feel smothered so often with the unshed tears and feelings. I know I could never be alive if my children leave their country and resettle elsewhere. How did my parents let me go away, oceans and continents away to another land ?
Honey, make sure that you don't become like me. Be very determined that you would go home atleast every year if not twice. This you must do. Don't become like me, longing and hurting for more than forty one years.
I couldn't have made it through two years of England (where I more or less speak the language) without the solace of getting to come home afterwards. And yet, it was eye opening and amazing in a lot of ways, too. I'm still looking for that perfect job that allows me to travel across the pond a couple times a year...
this was really touching and eye opening. thank you. its always hard to deal with the one simple fact that we cannot always have our cake and eat it too.
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