As many people do, I like to sit down every Thanksgiving and reflect upon those things in life for which I am thankful.  The list remains more or less the same, but because each year brings with it new challenges and situations, here is mine for 2008. 

I am thankful for:

*Family members who love and support me despite my being thousands of miles away.

*Friends who are always there for me, no matter where I might be in the world.

*Kate's emails.

*A unique job experience that has, little by little, allowed me to grow both personally and professionally.

*The way I have been so openly embraced by my French colleagues.

*Recognition (from other teachers, the administration and parents) for how hard I work.

*The love, openness and spontaneity of the children in my classes.

*The opportunity to learn Dutch and to discover a new language and culture.

*The luxury of European travel.

*Knowing the completeness of true love.

*Living with the most understanding, creative, playful, intelligent and affectionate person I've ever known.

What are you thankful for?

Yesterday I confirmed a Facebook friend request from a long-lost high school buddy.  This evening, after thoroughly investigating my profile, he sent me a message with "Hopes and Dreams" as the subject. Here are the first few lines:

I am so jealous of you. The last time I talked to you, it was at UK and you were talking about moving to France after graduation. I can't believe you did it! Chasing your dreams, living your life with no regrets! That is so awesome and I am so happy for you.

Though it was definitely nice to hear from Tommy again, his words really stirred up some deep emotions.  Yes, as early as sixteen I had talked about wanting to move to France.  And I did. Twice. It was a dream and I feel fortunate for having realized it.  But... is that the only dream I had/have to chase? Am I truly living a life with no regrets?

So many people back across the pond seem to believe that my life in Europe is some sort of fairytale.  The truth, however, is that it is not. In fact, I would sometimes call it quite the opposite. 

I wonder... does Tommy know what it's like to be separated from your family for eight + months at a time? Does he know what it's like to have to miss every Thanksgiving, every birthday, graduation and death? Does he realize how disconnected this makes me feel from the people I love, and how difficult it is for me to try to feel close to someone or to show someone how much I care without being able to see their face or touch their skin? Does he know that I spend the majority of my free time sitting right here in front of this computer screen because it's my best attempt at feeling connected and happy? Does he know that when my little sister called to tell me that she was engaged that I cried after I hung up the phone?  Not because I'm not thrilled to death for her, but for selfish reasons that make me incredibly unhappy.  I want to be at home... to help her plan the wedding, to celebrate with her, and to be there when my nieces and nephews are born, because I have a gut feeling that that is going to happen soon.  I've already missed out on watching Michelle's baby grow up, will miss Carrie's as well, but really can't bare the thought of not knowing my own family. 

Does Tommy know that sometimes I just want to speak fucking English to someone else who can understand my jokes and sense of humor? Does he know that I oftentimes come home from work with an intense headache because I feel so misunderstood? Whether it's French or Dutch, it's simply not English, and I cannot truly be me. My friends and family back home are the only ones who know and appreciate the real me. 

Does Tommy know that I feel like I have no one to talk to (face to face) besides Dave, and, well, you can't discuss everything with your significant other. That's where the good friends are supposed to come in.  Does Tommy know that, despite my not meaning to, I release weeks of bottled emotion twice a month when I Skype with my mom? As much as I would love to have a happy and normal conversation with her, I always end up crying.  Why? Because I feel so comfortable talking to her and know that she will listen to and understand my unhappiness... and somehow make me feel temporarily better about everything.

But everything is not better, and, really, I'm not sure when it ever will be.

I wonder, Tommy, do you realize how jealous I am of you?